I lost my value at such a young age. It was either pre-k or kinder. It’s all such a blur, but I still feel it everyday.
Throughout my life I tried so hard to earn my value back. And I did. At least some of it. My parents even gave me a ring to symbolize that no matter what, I was still pure.
Then, high school finished and I could swear I was the happiest little lady alive. It was cause of him.
He felt like home. It was nice while it lasted. Then, life got hard and once again, my heart and my laugh was taken. He took it out on me and I didn’t care. I was numb. Nothing pure about me. It’s scary how the ones you love are the ones that fuck you up the most.
Tried to find my lost value through the approval of others, of people that didn’t matter. And what a beautiful illusion it was to be held so high, but that’s all it was: an illusion.
Nothing can erase the reality that some wounds never heal. No matter how many years pass, it still happened. So pathetic to play victim but that’s exactly what I am: a silly little girl with twisted mentalities and trust issues. My only savior will be someone who makes me forget, who makes me laugh, who looks past the damages and still sees something beautiful.
I feel so worthless. I try to emphasize the good that I actually do. Like, “Hey I’m a really shitty person but I have really good grades, and I’m kind of okay looking, and I can make you smile and laugh sometimes.” I feel so worthless that I let everyone take what they want from me so that at least they’ll find some kind of value in having me around.
I’m kind of just like a pit stop people make when they’re headed down their own paths. Just looking for a temporary home until they find their own stability. They come when they’re lost or sad and need to feel alive for even just a moment. And once they’re done they leave. Wash their hands and walk away. Funny thing is, no matter how many times I wash my hands, take a bath, clean out the house there’s still a piece of every one of you lingering around. And it’s disgraceful.